(Written on August 29th, discovered unpublished today.)
Today was a hard day. I found myself in the midst of emotional turmoil, worse than I’ve experienced in a while. I found myself surrounded by doubts in a barren wasteland, and I felt lost, so very very lost. But God. Two very powerful words. But God brought me through it.
So. Today was filled with
emotional turmoil God’s grace.
I despaired today. I despaired of life, of living in this manner, and in that desolate landscape, I couldn’t help but wonder why, and feel so purposeless, doubting everything I am and live for. It wasn’t until things got so extreme that I finally realized that much of it was spiritual warfare. All those doubts and despairings, they were certainly not from Jesus. I’m sure I contributed with my tangled emotional state and confusion, but God was faithful to get me through the day. It was hard, though.
I’m sure I will be facing more doubts, this is a battle, you know. But God has shed light on some for me, and I hope that if you find yourself doubting too, God will remind you of His goodness.
I was in the midst of condemning myself and tearing myself apart for the thoughts that I think and the emotions I feel when this came screaming at me: “You’re not good enough!” Oh how often I hear that one. I certainly couldn’t get it together at that time! But God, in His mercy, brought freedom through some words I heard the other night at the Village Church. (paraphrase) You cannot be good enough! And that is the beauty of the Gospel, that we are broken people redeemed by God’s grace. When I acknowledge my lack of everything, it is then I can claim those blessed words, “when I am weak, then He can be strong.”
I was quite battered and bruised today, from a lot of different directions. Yet as I think through the day, God in His grace brought freedom from a lot of lies I was battered with.
I cannot be enough. Praise God! He became the sacrificial lamb by choice for me!
The words resounded in my head: “You do not belong here!”
First of all, God has purpose in where I am right now. And he is faithful. What the devil means for evil, God can turn around for good! I don’t belong here on this earth. I am a citizen of heaven, I am only a pilgrim on this earth! Praise God. Heaven is my home!
It is a choice to believe lies, or to choose to trust that God is faithful, even when I don’t feel like it. All I can do is admit that I can’t do it! And if I do that, then God can step in and work in my heart. I cannot do it on my own, and if I did, I would nullify the cross of Christ. Praise God for opening my eyes to this beautiful paradox of salvation!
Oh God, help me to remember. Help me to remember how helpless I am, how much I need you, and how good you always are to me. Help me remember that you are in charge, and your ways are best no matter what. Thank you for allowing me to be here; you know what is next, thank you for preparing me. Thank you for relentlessly loving me and continuing to shape me and mold me. You are good! And I praise you. Help me to always praise you even if I don’t feel like it.